


Tainted (I've Scrubbed Till I Bled But I Still Feel Dirty)

by EternityPrevails



Series: Recovery [3]
Category: Nightwing (Comics), Young Justice (Cartoon), Young Justice (Comics), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Brotherly Bonding, Brotherly Love, Depression, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug, Flashbacks, Hurt Dick Grayson, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape, Rape/Non-con Elements, Suicidal Thoughts, Trauma
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:48:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24200848
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternityPrevails/pseuds/EternityPrevails
Summary: Dick is having a bad day.His PTSD is acting up and he's really struggling to get through it so he ends up getting help from the one person he knows can relate.
Relationships: Catalina Flores/Dick Grayson, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd
Series: Recovery [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1498418
Comments: 9
Kudos: 95





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick is 23 & Jason is 21 (because fuck canon)
> 
> *edited and revised*

Dicks day started off bad. He woke up from a PTSD fueled nightmare feeling dirty and weak. He had dreamed of Catalina, or her touching him, raping him. He woke up crying and scared and sick to his stomach l. But he didn't have much time to let himself feel anything, he had to go to work. So he shoved all those emotions into a small dark corner of his mind. Took a shower, making sure not to scrub his skin raw and bloody like he had a habit of doing after nightmares. And left for work.

Even in his police uniform, he felt small and weak and dirty. He had to force himself not to flinch away from being touched. He had to force himself not to react to the intrusive memories and phantom sensory memories. He had to force himself to smile and play it cool. But he felt so dirty. So dirty and small and weak and scared. And it was only made worse when he had to take a report at work. A little boy being sexually assaulted by his female babysitter. The boy was giving his report and he looked ao scared. He looked as scared and broken as Dick felt inside. Seeing him sitting there almost breaking down while telling the story only made Dick feel awful. He wanted to tell the boy he understood but he didn't know how. 

He was already on the verge of breaking down when the boy left the room but then the mother turned around to Dick. She told Dick she didn't believe the boy, that boys couldn't be raped and to throw out the report, she had only brought him here so he would shut up about it. Then she left. Dick was left alone in the room with those words heavy in the air. He laid his head down on his desk feeling so filthy and violated, listening to that boy's story and thinking of his own and the mother who didn't believe her son, and bruce who didn't believe Dick.

The day dragged on and the longer it went on the more on edge and close to a breakdown Dick felt. By the time he finally got off shift he knew he needed to go home and get ready for patrol. But he just got in his car, drove to a spot that was Simi-secluded enough that he knew nobody would come up on him, turned up the music loud and just began to cry. He had planned to hold off his breakdown till he got home but he couldn't do it anymore. Everything was building up in his chest and he felt like if he didn't let go he would physically explode. 

He felt awful. Depressed, and scared, and dirty, and violated. He rested his head on the steering wheel taking a deep breath and wrapping his arms around himself like he might fall apart. He let out a quiet sob, then a slightly louder one till his entire body was trembling with the force of unrestrained sobs. He knew he looked like a fool but he didn't care. He unbuckled his seat belt pulling his legs into his chest and curling himself into a ball. He felt so gross and dirty. And he felt so alone, he didn't like feeling alone. He wanted someone to tell him it was alright.

Dick felt phantom sensory memories brush against his skin and he couldn't help but whimper and squeeze his legs together. He could feel her hand on his thigh and his chest. He could smell her perfume and feel the stickiness her lipstick when she kissed his neck. He dug his nails into his arm trying to disperse the feelings but it wasn't really working. He still felt so gross. The words she said rushed through his mind, he felt that sickness and grossness in his stomach. He hated every part of this. It had been a while since he had a really bad spell of memories like this but now they were here and painfully unavoidable. He could feel her on him, violating him.

"Don't touch me" he muttered quietly to nobody. That was the closest thing he had said to the word no. He had never told her no. He wanted to tell her no but when he needed it the word seemed to escape his vocabulary. He squeezed his legs together harder wanting everything to stop. It was hard to breathe with memories of her consuming him. Every one if his senses was her.

The taste of her lipstick when she kissed him. The feeling of her hands violating him. The sound of her voice telling him everything was okay. The smell of her perfume sickly sweet in the air. The colour of her hair when it brushed against his face as he tried to look at anything except her. Always her, everything was her

Dick nearly jumped out of his skin when his phone started ringing. He picked it up wiping tears off his face and trying to be as casual as possible. He glanced at the time before answering. He had been sitting here for over an hour. 

It was Jason calling. 

Dick picked up the phone trying to sound normal "hey jaybird".

"Where the fuck are you? We were supposed to meet almost an hour ag- ... have you been crying?" Of course, Jason would be able to hear him crying. Dick didn't want to say anything, he was half tempted to just lie and say he was fine. But he felt another phantom hand touch him and he whimpered unintentionally.

"whats going on? Where are you? Are you okay?"

"I-im fi-" Dick went to lie but he felt a phantom hand grab his upper thigh and he couldn't help but let out a pathetic whine. He put his hand on the spot of his leg digging his nails into the flesh trying to disperse the feeling. But it didn't work and Dick still felt her hand rubbing his thigh, forcing his legs open, touching him. He put his hand over him mouth trying not to let Jason hear how bad he was. "I'm fine, I'm sorry I'm late I got caught up at work" his voice was high and tight. He squeezed his eyes closed trying to focus on grounding myself in the present. Not to get lost in the memories. 

"You're lying! What happened? Where are you?" Jason's voice was demanding and bordering on violent. Though there was an undertone of concern. Dick didn't want his baby brother to be concerned. He was fine, the rape had happened three years ago he needed to get over it.

"Dickie?" Jason's voice took on a softer more caring tone. 

Dick fully whimpered this time letting out a small sob, he hated feeling so dirty and weak. He wanted it to stop. "Her hands..." he muttered knowing Jason would understand. There was a second of awful silence before. 

"Are you home? I can be there in twenty" 

"I'm heading that way" he muttered knowing that there was no chance of taking Jason out of checking on him.

"Okay, I'm headed your way, I'll see you in a little bit" Jason paused "don't do anything...drastic" 

Dick knew what Jason meant by drastic. He meant self-harm or an attempt or something of that nature. Dick almost wanted to be insulted but he couldn't deny the scars he had left on his own body and the ever-so-slightly bleeding nail marks on his arms and leg. He drove home with his music blasting trying to keep himself together. The small mental breakdown in his car made him feel less like a pressure bomb ready to explode but he was still hurting a lot. He was still having sensory memories and he was still so scared and in pain.

By the time he got back his apartment, he felt like a pressure bomb again but he knew Jason was coming and he didn't want to be a mess when Jason got here. So he went to the kitchen making himself a cup of coffee and sat down on the couch to watch tv. Desperately trying to think of anything except the feeling on her hands touching him. He felt gross. His body had reacted so positively to her like he wanted it. He hadn't wanted it. He never wanted it. All he wanted was to feel clean again. He would never feel clean again. 

Not long after Dick got home Jason arrived. He didn't say anything, just got a cup of coffee that Dick had left for him and sat down on the couch. After a few minutes of the shared silence dick laid down on the couch resting his head against Jason's lap. He stayed like that for a while still unspeaking. He felt like he was going to burst. "I can't" Dick whispered letting a few tears fall off his face.

"Can't what?" Jason asked softly

"I don't know I just can't. I can't do it anymore " he was crying harder. He balled his fist against Jason's leg "I'm so tired" he whimpered curling up more against his brother. He just wanted someone to tell him it was alright.

"I know" Jason's comforted him softly. He brushed his hand through Dicks hair. Dick appreciated it, the roughness of Jason's hands was a welcome difference from the sensory memories of her soft hands. "Trust me. I know and ill be here till it hurts less"

Jason had said 'hurts less' not 'stops hurting' they both knew it would never stop hurting. Three years, eleven years, a lifetime. It never stopped hurting, it just hurt less. It made Dick sad to know that the reason Jason was so understanding was he two had been a victim. But it helped Dick feel less alone on the bad days. He curled up close to Jason trusting him to protect him. He closed his eyes, after being so high strung and stressed all day he was exhausted and now that Jason was here Dick felt safe enough to let himself rest for a while. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I'll be honest. This chapter took forever because I forgot about the story.

**"Don't touch me" Dick protested weak and confused against Tarantula on top of him. She wasn't listening to him and she continued to trail her hand over his body. Tears began to stream down his face, mixed with the rainwater.**

**He tried to close his legs so she couldn't touch him, but at the moment she was stronger than him and pushed them back open. Sliding a hand under his uniform. He choked back more tears, he knew that he was completely at her disposal. He didn't have any amount of strength. He tried to push himself into a sitting position to push her off but he ended up collapsing back onto the ground. He knew what she was going to do and he closed his eyes, unable to fight against this.**

**"Shh Querido" he heard her whispering inches from his face. He tried to bite back the tears but he couldn't. He was so weak and tired. He hated this, it hurt so much, he just wanted it to be over.**

* * *

Dick woke up crying. He woke up still feeling the weight of her straddling him. The hardness of the roof still under his back. The feeling of rain against his skin. He whimpered half-conscious and tossed his head wanting the feelings to go away. He knew he was awake, it had been a nightmare. Still, he felt nothing in him but unending sadness. Dick whimpered squeezing his eyes closed, he felt pinned under her weight. He could feel her hands on his body "get off me, don't touch me" he whimpered letting tears fall off his cheeks as he squirmed uncomfortably.

"Hey, you're okay its just me" he heard Jason whisper and felt a hand brush through his hair. Dick opened his eyes quickly looking at his little brother. He was still laying on Jason's lap where he had fallen asleep. He made no effort to hide his tears or to get up. Instead, he covered his mouth and squeezed his eyes closed crying. Jason just brushed his hair back. Jason shifted the two of them so that he was lying with Dick and Dick just curled up into his chest crying into the soft fabric of his shirt. Jason wrapped his arms around him tightly and it more Dick only cry harder. 

"It's okay" Jason whispered uncharacteristically soft. Very few people ever got to see Jason this soft. 

Jason had been the very first person Dick told about Catalina, Jason had been there for him the entire time. He felt terrible because while helping out Dick, Jason was forced to also confront his own history of assault. But now they were both doing much better. Still, they both had bad days and as much as Dick hated asking for Jasons help he wouldn't turn him away. Jason understood and sometimes having someone who knew how it felt was helpful. 

"I want to die" DIck whispered. He wasn't even sure where that had come from but it was out in the open now. He didn't really want to die, he just wanted this to stop. He wanted to stop hurting. He wanted to stop feeling so fucking dirty all the time. He had attempted suicide before and he knew that was a very serious sentence to say, especially out loud but he didn't have the strength to care. He was exhausted from the past two days. Yesterday had been nothing but pain and anxiety and exhaustion and today wasn't shaping up to be any better. 

Jason pushed Dick slightly away from him and looked the older man in the eyes. Dick wanted to look away but met the intense gaze. He knew what it was Jason wanted him to say, Jason wanted him to say he didn't mean it. Honestly, Dick wasn't sure if he meant it or not. "I just want it to stop hurting" he muttered remedially to the other statement. He knew that if Jason seriously thought he was Suicidal he would tell their therapist Dinah and it would turn into a whole ordeal. 

"There are ways to do that, that doesn't include death," Jason said very seriously and DIck knew he was right but right now it was hard to conceptualize because all other routes seemed slow and difficult. "And death ain't really all its chalked up to be" Jason joked. Dick actually kinda chuckled. Still, he felt so drained and exhausted. He had work today, he had things to do, but right now he felt like he didn't have any energy. 

"You should" Jason stopped "WE should text Dinah, see if she can move our session to today" Jason offered. Dick buried his face back into Jason's chest. Dinah, black canary, was their therapist of the past three years and usually did a twice-monthly session for dick and a once-monthly joint session for the two of them. Originally they had been more frequent but as Dick and Jason recovered some they dropped in number. The joint session was supposed to be in a couple of days. DIck nodded as Jason's idea of seeing if it could be moved to today. It wouldn't be the first time they had moved it to accommodate one of them having a really bad day, or bad set of days. 

They laid there for a while and Dick found his mind wondering. It always wondered to either suicide or the Rape, they seemed to be the only things he could think of. Somehow all trains of thought lead straight back to those two things. He hated it. "Jason, I need it to stop" he was going to drive himself crazy thinking about these things. He needed to think of something more positive. 

"How about we take a walk" Jason offered, DIck nodded. A walk would be a good change of scenery. 

It was still early in the morning. 5 or 6, he had slept fitfully for a few hours in the night and Jason had stayed awake making sure that the nightmares didn't get too bad. Dick felt kinda guilty but he knew that he would, and had, do the same thing for Jason. The night was quiet and the air was taking on the coolness of the coming fall. It was a good change of pace from the hot stormy night in his nightmares. They walked for several hours until the sun started to come up and people began to fill the streets. This wasn't the first time they had done this and it probably wouldn't be the last. As they began to head back home Dick spoke up "Thank you" he looked down at the street emberased but not really sure why. 

Walking and being with Jason helped the memories ease a little bit, they hadn't completely gone away but for at least now they were manageable. 

**Author's Note:**

> COMMENT PLEASE  
> 1 comment is worth 100 kudos


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